Globalisation is nothing new

The Hanza was a commercial then financial and more or less military alliance between cities in Northern Europe throughout all the Middle Ages.

Thanks to this very organised alliance formed by groups of cities, today still strongly attached to their independance (Bremen, Hamburg and all Flemish and Dutch cities) - Scandinavia and Russia were able to sell wood, furs, copper, gold, iron, silver, oil from whale and mercenaries to the Mediterranean world who was missing them in exhange for its wine, honey, olive oil, cereals and all the exotic goods Venitians and other powerful cities of Italy were bringing from the Middle East, Central Asia and Far East: silk, gems, dye, plants, spices...The British Isles were selling their very good quality wool from their sheeps to the Flemish cities in exchange of the best drapes, sheets, linen and clothes in Europe. The Muslim world of North Africa and Middle East would also provide ivory and other luxury goods to Europe because, like today, religion never stopped trade.

Globalisation is nothing new.

Russia was formed because Vikings were travelling allong the rivers between the Baltic Sea and the Black Sea to trade with the Byzantine Empire. As the trade increased, so did the attacks on the shipments. So they build forts along the rivers where merchants could halt and find a shelter. People from Scandinavia then the lands around moved next these forts to provide the merchants with food and homes. They stayed there and started to cultivate. Forts became hamlets, then villages, then towns, then cities and the "Rus", as the Vikings called the people who were travelling East for trade, made these lands theirs...The rest is history.

History is bloody riot!

As an historian, I love History. Some parts are quite boring but there’s always something you can pick up and like since its beginning 6000 years ago when humans starts to actually write things down.

But when you present it to much of the kids, they stay it’s dead boring. I agree. I mean the programme we want them to eat is pretty much…unbearable.

Yet I truly believe that when it comes to teaching, we can always find a way to divert some way somehow to make them see that humans being will be human beings and what interests them today could be found back then.

More easily sometimes, actually. Take the boys who like to play tough and watch horror movies where you can see people gruesomely tortured. Well here’s what you could see if you were to play in Paris in the Modern Era:

About François Ravaillaic after he killes Henry IV.

On May 27, he was taken to the Place de Grève and was tortured one last time before being pulled apart by four horses, a method of execution reserved for regicides. Alistair Horne describes the torture Ravaillac suffered: "Before being drawn and quartered... he was scalded with burning sulphur, molten lead and boiling oil and resin, his flesh then being torn by pincers." Following his execution, Ravaillac's parents were forced into exile and the rest of his family was ordered to never use the name "Ravaillac" again.


About Robert-François Damiens after he tried to assassinate Louis XV

He was tortured first with red-hot pincers; his hand, holding the knife used in the attempted assassination, was burned using sulphur; molten wax, lead, and boiling oil were poured into his wounds. Horses were then harnessed to his arms and legs for his dismemberment. Damiens' limbs and ligaments did not separate easily; after some hours, representatives of the Parlement ordered the executioner and his aides to cut Damiens' joints. Damiens was then dismembered, to the applause of the crowd. His torso, apparently still living, was then burnt at the stake. He is viewed by some people as the Guy Fawkes of France, since both of these men tried to kill their Kings but failed and were brutally executed.

I love the “brutally executed”. That’s so 2000! So American! So “war without any hurt”, with no collateral damage. Very clean world with no blood, no suffer, no expletives and no sex anywhere near your eyes and ears! For Fuck’s sake! Human history is a huge catalogue of crimes and blood is pouring in waterfalls from everywhere page of it.


Want sex, bitch, horrors and violence? No need to go to the bloody cinema and see Saw buggery VI!...Which, btw, in French is pronounced like “saucisse” which means sausage. And the next one will not be any better, it’s Saw VII…that sounds like “chaussette” (sock).


For instance, in France, we have a “problem”…well old narrow-minded bastards have a problems with young bloody pikeys who boo and jeer the national anthem (for Christ’s sake, it’s like Pavlov’s dog. They boo so you react, don’t react and they won’t do it anymore, you half wits!).

Well, it’s easy. Don’t just force them to sing it and love it. Show them what it’s actually saying. For those who aren’t French, here’s pretty much the translation of the part we always sing.

Come, children of the Fatherland,
The day of Glory has arrived!
Against us, tyranny’s
Bloody banner is raised,
Do you hear in the countryside
Those ferocious soldiers roaring?
They come up to your arms
To slit the throats of your sons and wives!

To arms, citizens!
Form your battalions!
Let’s march! Let’s march!
May an impure blood
Water our furrows!

And believe when I tell you the rest of it is pretty much the same.

Ask the kids what they want to see in history and take some time to show them that!

Henry VIII by Jo Brand

That is the very best, more hilarious piece of historical exposé I've ever heard! ^^



I understand we don't all speak British english so here's the transcription. Sorry, there might be some mistakes :)

Henry VIII

Henry VIII or King syphilis gut backed wife murderer VIII as I prefer to call him was born in 1491, and despite all the paintings we know and love of him looking like a great big beach whale, he was athletic as a young man. At the age of 18, his brother Arthur died and Henry married his widow, Catherine of Aragon.

Henry was always an ambitious young man and he thought it best to get the male heir business out of the way before he set off on conquering expeditions. There must have been something dodgy as far as the royal sperm was concerned because it took bloody ages!

Henry always had a bit of inferiority complex being the second son and he grew up to be an egotistical self-righteous cruel man. In fact the last sort of person who should have been King.

I often wonder when I read English history why so many of the royals were such vicious bastards and I think it’s probably because they could be. Give our Queen half the chance and she will be up the mall with a crossbow picking off Japanese tourists and nicking their cameras.

Catherine of Aragon had five children but only one of them survived and unfortunately as far as Henry was concerned that one was useless. Mentally handicapped? Physically disabled? Well in Tudor think: both. She was a girl.

They were together, Henry and Catherine that is, for over twenty years but when Catherine began to get hot flushes and started doing a bit of shop-lifting, Henry realised she was be able to have anymore children. And like a dutiful loving husband, he told Catherine not to worry and that everything would be all right.

Did he, fuck! He did his outmost to get rid of her without actually bumping her off.

Because Henry already had to get a special dispensation from the Pope to marry Catherine, it didn’t look good for another favour from the Catholic Church. In fact, as far as the Pope was concerned, he had as much as chance in getting a divorce as he did in winning a Gary Lineker look-a-like contest.

So Henry decided rather than mock about the legal channels of the Catholic Church, he might as well dump them altogether and start his own little church. So he became head of the Church of England. Nice work that he could get it!

At the point, he was having a good old flirt with Ann Boleyn who would not give in to his advances unless he agreed to marry her. He did. Got her off the duff and they married secretly. By this time, Henry was pretty poorly so it was difficult for him to do anything secretly.

Unfortunately Ann Boleyn did not have a son either. "Aw drag!" She must have thought when Elisabeth I popped out. But Henry by this stage started to go a little bit bonkers. He must’ve thought to himself: “Well I’m the head of the Church of England, I can do what I like now!”

He found some poor bloke who worked in the court, accused him of having an affair with Ann Boleyn, tortured him until he said yes and had her executed. A bit over the top! I mean he could have asked her to move out.

In fact, Henry got rid of anyone in his way. He was a sort of fat royal combined harvester. Once he was head of the Church, he nicked all their money, destroyed many monasteries and anyone who got in the way was dissembled.

After Ann Boleyn, Henry moved on to Jane Seymour who was said to be homely and sweet. She managed to squeeze a boy child out of her womb for which she must have got down on her knees and thank God for allowing her to continue wearing a nice selection of hats! Unfortunately – and I supposed this is the way life goes, she dies twelve days later.

Henry moved on to Anne of Cleves who he charmingly named “the Flemish mare”. Pity she didn’t kick him in the Hampton Courts! Their marriage was never consummated. She was lucky…They divorced.

He then moved on to Catherine Howard who was described by one book I read as "a spirited minx". More a reflection on the Right than Catherine Howard, I would have thought. She was accused of adultery and had her head chopped off as well.

Finally Henry finished up with Catherine Parr who was described as amicable. In mens speak, that means nice but ugly. But judging by Henry’s record to this point it seems safer to be not that great looking. At least, you’ve got to hang on to your bones.

Henry didn’t execute only women and Church people, he did for everyone who’d gone on his nose. Several of his advisers who annoyed him were destined never to wear glasses again.

Henry was an irritable spiteful greedy boorish sulky little boy of a man. In fact, the only good thing I can think of to say about him is that he was quite easy to find in the maze at Hampton Court on a hot day because he whiffs so badly.

Legend has it that after Henry died, his body was brought back to London. And it was so riddled with disease that it exploded. That has since been known as he was a big man as a 21 gun salute.