Henry VIII by Jo Brand

That is the very best, more hilarious piece of historical exposé I've ever heard! ^^



I understand we don't all speak British english so here's the transcription. Sorry, there might be some mistakes :)

Henry VIII

Henry VIII or King syphilis gut backed wife murderer VIII as I prefer to call him was born in 1491, and despite all the paintings we know and love of him looking like a great big beach whale, he was athletic as a young man. At the age of 18, his brother Arthur died and Henry married his widow, Catherine of Aragon.

Henry was always an ambitious young man and he thought it best to get the male heir business out of the way before he set off on conquering expeditions. There must have been something dodgy as far as the royal sperm was concerned because it took bloody ages!

Henry always had a bit of inferiority complex being the second son and he grew up to be an egotistical self-righteous cruel man. In fact the last sort of person who should have been King.

I often wonder when I read English history why so many of the royals were such vicious bastards and I think it’s probably because they could be. Give our Queen half the chance and she will be up the mall with a crossbow picking off Japanese tourists and nicking their cameras.

Catherine of Aragon had five children but only one of them survived and unfortunately as far as Henry was concerned that one was useless. Mentally handicapped? Physically disabled? Well in Tudor think: both. She was a girl.

They were together, Henry and Catherine that is, for over twenty years but when Catherine began to get hot flushes and started doing a bit of shop-lifting, Henry realised she was be able to have anymore children. And like a dutiful loving husband, he told Catherine not to worry and that everything would be all right.

Did he, fuck! He did his outmost to get rid of her without actually bumping her off.

Because Henry already had to get a special dispensation from the Pope to marry Catherine, it didn’t look good for another favour from the Catholic Church. In fact, as far as the Pope was concerned, he had as much as chance in getting a divorce as he did in winning a Gary Lineker look-a-like contest.

So Henry decided rather than mock about the legal channels of the Catholic Church, he might as well dump them altogether and start his own little church. So he became head of the Church of England. Nice work that he could get it!

At the point, he was having a good old flirt with Ann Boleyn who would not give in to his advances unless he agreed to marry her. He did. Got her off the duff and they married secretly. By this time, Henry was pretty poorly so it was difficult for him to do anything secretly.

Unfortunately Ann Boleyn did not have a son either. "Aw drag!" She must have thought when Elisabeth I popped out. But Henry by this stage started to go a little bit bonkers. He must’ve thought to himself: “Well I’m the head of the Church of England, I can do what I like now!”

He found some poor bloke who worked in the court, accused him of having an affair with Ann Boleyn, tortured him until he said yes and had her executed. A bit over the top! I mean he could have asked her to move out.

In fact, Henry got rid of anyone in his way. He was a sort of fat royal combined harvester. Once he was head of the Church, he nicked all their money, destroyed many monasteries and anyone who got in the way was dissembled.

After Ann Boleyn, Henry moved on to Jane Seymour who was said to be homely and sweet. She managed to squeeze a boy child out of her womb for which she must have got down on her knees and thank God for allowing her to continue wearing a nice selection of hats! Unfortunately – and I supposed this is the way life goes, she dies twelve days later.

Henry moved on to Anne of Cleves who he charmingly named “the Flemish mare”. Pity she didn’t kick him in the Hampton Courts! Their marriage was never consummated. She was lucky…They divorced.

He then moved on to Catherine Howard who was described by one book I read as "a spirited minx". More a reflection on the Right than Catherine Howard, I would have thought. She was accused of adultery and had her head chopped off as well.

Finally Henry finished up with Catherine Parr who was described as amicable. In mens speak, that means nice but ugly. But judging by Henry’s record to this point it seems safer to be not that great looking. At least, you’ve got to hang on to your bones.

Henry didn’t execute only women and Church people, he did for everyone who’d gone on his nose. Several of his advisers who annoyed him were destined never to wear glasses again.

Henry was an irritable spiteful greedy boorish sulky little boy of a man. In fact, the only good thing I can think of to say about him is that he was quite easy to find in the maze at Hampton Court on a hot day because he whiffs so badly.

Legend has it that after Henry died, his body was brought back to London. And it was so riddled with disease that it exploded. That has since been known as he was a big man as a 21 gun salute.